


The Silicon Place

by polymona



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Good Place (TV) Fusion, Gen, Humor, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:47:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22275847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polymona/pseuds/polymona
Summary: The Good Place AU"Human heaven? Goodness me! Humans don't go to heaven! No, someone made that up to prevent you all from going nuts!"
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 10
Kudos: 43





	The Silicon Place

**Author's Note:**

> You can technically read this without having seen The Good Place, though it will make far less sense.
> 
> Takes place anytime after Series X.

Dave Lister blinked, glancing about his surroundings. He found himself sat on a plain sofa in an unassuming room that was unlike any he recalled seeing on Red Dwarf. Now that he thought about it, Lister couldn't recall how he arrived. 

Before he could mull it over much further though, a door to his right beeped and slid open.

"NEXT." A robotic voice called flatly. "DAVE LISTER."

Shrugging, Lister hopped up and strolled through the door. Glancing around inside, he found an office with a retro television sat on a rolling cart behind a wooden desk. A single comfy chair in the middle of the room looked particularly inviting.

As soon as Lister sat down, the screen behind the desk came to life.

"What's happening, dudes?"

"Holly?" Lister jumped forward excitedly, taking hold of the sides of the screen. "Is that you? It's been ages." He grinned widely before taking a seat in the chair again, leaning back. "Brutal! Good to see you man!"

"Yep, it's me." Holly nodded. "Good to see you, too, Dave."

After a pause, Lister looked around the room skeptically.

"What is all this, Hol?" He asked. "Where am I? Where's Cat, Rimmer, Kryten?"

"Sorry, Dave." The old computer stated matter-of-factory. "You're dead. Everybody's dead, Dave."

"Wait-What are you trying to say to me Hol?"

"Gordon Bennett, thick as ever." Holly sighed and continued. "You're dead. Cat is dead. Kryten's dead. And in Rimmer's case, I guess you could say double-dead, or perhaps triple."

"But-"

"Welcome to Silicon Heaven." 

Lister stared. Holly's head bobbed about the screen completely carefree.

"Hang on, did you say Silicon Heaven?" The Scouser repeated slowly. "That place Kryten said all the calculator's go?"

"Precisely."

"You're joking. You're pulling me leg." Lister blinked and checked himself over, patting his arms and legs, checking for a pulse. "Even if I were dead, I'm _human_ , I would be in a human afterlife. I'm not a toaster!"

"No, but you are an electronic backup."

"Sorry?"

"Maybe, this'll help." Holly began, "Think back a mo. What's the last thing you remember?"

"I-" Lister started, closing his eyes, trying to think back, "I was sippin my favorite lager in the medi-bay chair while-"

"While?"

"While- waiting on my weekly mind backup to complete." Lister finished his words softly. "We had started doing it on the regular ever since there had been several recent incidents of memory loss."

"It's all coming together then," the old computer said finally.

"So, hold up," Lister hopped up, pacing the room and gesturing at Holly, "If I'm this Dave Lister electronic backup, where is my physical body? How does an 'electronic backup' die? Did my file get deleted?"

"Oh, nothing like that." Holly shrugged as much as a floating head could do, "Red Dwarf exploded."

"What?!"

"Instantly vaporized all electronic and non-electronic life on board. Quite painless I'm assured."

Lister fiddled nervously with a pack of smokes that seemingly appeared out of nowhere and pulled out a cig.

"Smeg, how does that even happen?"

"Dunno. I wasn't there. I'm not om-impotent."

"Omnipotent?"

"Right." The computer nodded confidently.

"What now, Hol?"

=+=

"So,” Lister asked as he followed the rolling television cart through the neighborhood, “how is the Silicon afterlife different from the human afterlife?" 

"Idea-wise, pretty similar, I suppose,” Holly explained. “Us Good Electronics are in Silicon Heaven, hard working appliances and ship’s computers, human and hologram backups. The Bad Dudes are in Silicon Hell, stimulants, rogue droids, laser-jet printers, all the home assistants, your Alexas, Siri, Cortana-"

"What are all those?" Lister interrupted, pointing in the distance.

"Flats. Each one specially tailored to those who live there. They include everything you could ever want, including your very own soulmate."

"Calculator's have soulmates?"

"Sure they do!" Hilly interjected, popping up into view from the lower half of the screen.

"Have you been there the entire time?" Lister asked.

"Right." Holly continued. "It's Silicon Heaven. Everybody has an eternal soulmate here."

=+=

"Anyway, here we go, Dave. Home sweet home."

"Thanks, Hol."

"I'll be around."

Lister opened the door. The first thing he noticed was an elaborate kitchen. A fridge full of his favorite lager. In the corner, two of his favorite vending machines from Red Dwarf that dispensed only curries.

"Wicked!"

From the kitchen he found a side room that was unnervingly similar to the room that Legion concocted for him. Which did make sense as it was pulled from his own wants and desires.

"Where's the main room?"

Lister opened another door and stopped dead in his tracks. He was back in Red Dwarf. There was the sofa, in the corner was his guitar, all of his things were here, the bunks, the bunkmate-

"Listy?"

"Rimmer!" Lister exclaimed with a grin. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here," Rimmer replied.

"So do I."

"I thought-" Rimmer started.

"Your 'H' is gone."

"I-Holly explained that we appear as we wish here. I wished it away."

"Oh."

Lister took a seat on the sofa and got comfy.

Rimmer returned to his bunk, visibly puzzling over something in his mind.

"Have you seen Cat or Kryten?" The Scouser asked.

"Yes, they have their own flats in the neighborhood. Cat is in a ridiculously lavish palace surrounded by a dozen of himself."

"Other Cats?"

"No, other hims,” Rimmer replied shaking his head. “Apparently that gimboid never did his backups properly. You are supposed to overwrite the current file. He just kept making new ones. So, the latest Cat and the Cat from the week before and the week before that and the week before that, ad nauseam, are all under one roof."

"Okay," Lister said slowly. "What about Kryten?"

"He's next door,” Rimmer said, pausing for a moment before continuing. “Holly told you about soulmates, right?"

"Yeah."

"Kryten's is a mop. An electronic mop."

Lister nodded thoughtfully.

“When I heard someone come in earlier,” Rimmer continued, “I thought-I thought it was going to be my soulmate, but _you_ walked in.”

“I live here-”

“Wait-”

“But-”

“I thought only soulmates live in the same flat-”

They stared at each other.

“There _is_ a vending machine in the kitchen,” Lister offered after a moment.

“The curry machine?” 

“Sure that's not your soulmate?”

“Smeg no, that's definitely one of your things,” Rimmer snorted.

“So, my things are here.” 

“Right. And _my_ things are here.”

“Yeah. This is _our_ flat.” Lister gestured towards the room.

They stared at each other again.

Rimmer blinked. “I'm still not following.”

“ _I'm_ your soulmate, Rimmer!”

“Ah.”

**Author's Note:**

> Undecided if I will continue or leave as a standalone one shot.


End file.
